Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
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Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
When your man makes a valid point
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.