I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
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A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Perfection.