best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
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I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
*updates tinder bio*
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Lol
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.