A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
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when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me