Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
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Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I have a new favorite meme page
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Perfection.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.