It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
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What a chick magnet..
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.