Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
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friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.