me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
You Might Also Like
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?