The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
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I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Oh boy, $150,000!
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I am never leaving this website
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.