If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
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Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.