doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
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Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.