[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
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[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
[at funeral] You really had to see him live