I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
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ME: finally a program for me
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried