Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
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wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.