My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
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If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*