Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
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pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
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I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
it was love at first sight
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.