My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
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Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”