My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
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ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.