[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
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About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
There’s never enough good news
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
a public service announcement
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.