[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
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If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
we did it you guys we saved daylight
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”