Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
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fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Florida man
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
choose your fighter
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…