Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
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The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.