It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
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Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.