When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
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You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
We like the way Dwight thinks
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
this is the best day of my life
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words