Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
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*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
The best shot in the history of golf
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.