If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
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Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.