We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
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Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Still my favourite meme.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?