[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
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Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.