I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
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“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*