And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
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Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
The funk soul brother
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.