Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
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Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.