doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
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if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.