Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
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no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.