“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
You Might Also Like
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Not my job 😂
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.