I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
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The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
when nothing goes right… go left
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.