me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
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A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
i hope my email finds you on fire
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Just a bush.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.