Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
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Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Home is where your toilet is.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Ion see the issue
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know