*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
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a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested