Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
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why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds