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Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Yup.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first