my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
You Might Also Like
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
also my go-to takeaway order
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore