So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
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I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
are there any atheist mantises?
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.