Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
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customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
WTF
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.