I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
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Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…