[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
You Might Also Like
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
drew a comic about my origin story
courtroom exchange of the day
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.