*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
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How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Siri, fight Alexa.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption