Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
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My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Hamburger Hinderer.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”