No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
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Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Pretty much! 😂👀
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Bless you
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.