Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
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Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
That earthquake could have been an email.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.