mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
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This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
mentally somewhere in italy
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.